Did you know that less than 6% of people with eating disorders are medically diagnosed as “underweight?” And 9% of the U.S. population (28.8 million Americans) will develop an eating disorder in their lifetime. (1)
When I was a freshman in college I developed an unspecified eating disorder. “Unspecified” meaning not a diagnosis such as anorexia, or bulimia, but a generalized unhealthy relationship with my body, food, and exercise.
It began with my annual physical the summer before school started. I had just graduated from high school and was getting ready to be a first-year student at Salve Regina University in Newport, RI (which I later transferred from). I got on the scale, and my doctor absently told me I was borderline “overweight” based on my BMI.
“Borderline overweight” to a teenage girl practically equates to plain old “overweight.” And while my doctor had no intentions of being the catalyst that set me on the path to disordered eating and exercise, her words caused me to become obsessed with my body. And honestly, my concern was not necessarily surrounding my health, but the way I looked and a fixation on what others thought about me.
I began to exercise excessively and cut calories to the lowest amount possible without starving myself. I obsessed over planning out my meals, food logging and weighing myself multiple times daily. If anything in this process was unexpectedly altered (having to stay late at work and missing my scheduled exercise, mom not cooking the exactly portioned out meal we planned) I lost it. I was debilitated by defeat and unworthiness. I felt like a failure.
I lost 30 lbs that year. Losing 30 lbs in one year is not unhealthy in itself. I was not technically underweight, our malnourished. “I did not actually have an eating disorder,” I told myself constantly. But here’s the thing… I actually did.
I was consumed by my food, my exercise, and my body image. That is literally all that mattered to me. I would cancel plans with friends last minute because I didn’t want to get frozen yogurt. I would yell at my mom if she decided to pick up a pizza after a long day of work instead of cook the bland “safe” dinner I had planned for. I had a very unhealthy perspective on life during those two years. My mental health was diminishing. Eventually, I got help through counseling. I read self-development books, started journaling, and did a lot of work mentally to help dig myself out of an unfortunate situation.
The reason I am writing about this time in my life is to point out that working towards health and fitness goals is not easy. They require time, effort, and dedication. But what they do not require is obsession, stress, and negativity. Working towards such goals requires a certain mindset; a perspective.
Perspective is something you can change; it is not permanent. While I had an incredible support system to get me through a difficult time in my life, the pivotal moment that actually changed me was my mindset shift. I realized that my health, self-worth, and happiness did not equate to a number on the scale, the size of my pants (which varies GREATLY from store to store…) or how many calories I burned in my workout.
My health and happiness lay in my love for my body. I needed to love my body before anything else. Without that, I was chasing an empty goal; an empty dream.
It’s time to break the glass ceiling on the limitations and expectations we set for ourselves, especially when it comes to our health and happiness. You can absolutely set goals and number marks, but please do not fixate on them. Living healthy is a lifestyle; a state of mind. It is not a destination to be reached, but a journey to be traveled. And if we keep waiting for “when” we get there, we miss all the happy, emotional, difficult, and rewarding times in between. With that being said, I’d like to end this post with one of my favorite quotes.
“If it costs you your peace, it costs too much.” -Jenna Kutcher
This quote speaks volumes to me, not only as a professional in the health and fitness industry but also as a young woman journeying through this crazy life herself. Without happiness, you cannot truly be healthy. While making healthy choices is hard work, it should never cost you your peace of mind. It’s not worth it. There is a way to achieve what you want without forfeiting what you have.
Once you learn to love your body, then you will be able to cherish and embrace the ways to take care of it. Find your balance, find your value, and you will find that happiness is right there in front of you!
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